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Wackish News/MLB All-Star Game prediction
Okay, so the MLB All-Star Game is tonight, so here is what I predict will happen. First, Adam Wainwright will blow up on the mound because Felix Hernandez threw a bomb at him because it was Felix's turn to pitch. Due to the National League not having a pitcher, the American League will win 1,000-0, for about three minutes. Then the official scorer was deemed stupid, and the game continued with a new NL pitcher, and a new official scorer. The original scorer got a hammer to the face. Felix will throw the ball to the centerfielder when Andrew McCutchen is batting. The ball goes over the wall, so it's a home run by default. Then Felix screams at John Farrell in the dugout wondering what went wrong. Yasiel Puig spanks Felix with the bat while he's not looking and Felix then leaves the game with a broken everything. Puig gets ejected, and then everyone takes their bats and spanks each other, and a brawl ensues. Jose Bautista uses his superbat to whonk Puig out of the park and he goes all the way around the world. On the way back, he jumps on Bautista, and Jose Bautista leaves. Derek Jeter starts a show in center field all about him, and Troy Tulowitzki spanks him with his bat, and Tulo steals the show. Felix Hernandez returns and douses everybody with Coke. All the players fizz to a pulp and somehow the American League wins 0-1. The AL is the 0. Somehow they found a way to win with no runs, and they are trailing. The entire NL cries because they forgot one of the seven dwarves at home, and they go to bed right on the field. The game continues at 7 in the morning on Wednesday, and the teams take the field. Reminder, that's all in the first three innings!!! So, here we go! In the 4th inning, the entire stadium screams, "WE WILL WE WILL ROCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!", causing a dog in California to explode. Yasiel Puig steals second and shoots a laser at Derek Jeter. Then Yangervis Solarte shoots Puig and undrinks some Pepsi. After stealing second, Puig takes it to the dugout, and Adam Wainwright unexplodes. He goes to pitch, and strikes out 5 batters on 3 pitches total. Yoenis Cespedes and Miguel Cabrera go out on a "bro date" and they are ejected from the game. The umpire accidentally punches them both when they were ejected, and both entire teams, the entire crowd, and all of Minnesota tackle the umpire. The umpire dies, and the game continues...... eventually. It took five seconds for everyone to get back to their seats. Nelson Cruz goes up to bat out of position in the 4th inning, and he hits a Rubik's Cube for a home run, and a lousy souvenir for one unlucky Red Sox fan. Masahiro Tanaka comes into the game as a pinch hitter for Jose Bautista. Yasiel Puig then gets un-ejected, and he unbrushes his teeth while on the on-deck circle. Robinson Cano spanks Puig out of the way because Puig isn't an AL batter. Chris Sale hits a double, and is replaced by Chris Sale. Chris Sale then pinch runs for Chris Sale when he makes it to third, and Chris Sale is immediately replaced at tallstop for Chris Sale. Chris Sale then gets moved to 1 1/2th base and Chris Sale comes in to tallstop. In centerfield, Justin Upton takes the stage Derek Jeter forgot to demolish, then immediately gets spanked by Derek Norris, and he goes around the world and hits Mariano Rivera in the face. In the fifth, Aramis Ramirez and Jonathon Lucroy take jetpacks and burn the AL's fireproof dugout. They fail, and die. They then undie and Lucroy goes to the plate. Salvador Perez gets screamed at by AL fans when coming to bat in the fifth because he sucks like Justin Bieber, and he cries his way off the field. In the sixth, Clayton Kershaw does magic tricks on the field, and for the finale, he makes himself disappear. Koji Uehara walks where Kershaw was seen before disappearing, and falls down. He then jumps on the invisible Kershaw, and is levitating. Masahiro Tanaka makes Uehara invisible and jumps on them both. Later in the inning, Anthony Rizzo makes pizza on the field and gets spanked by Miguel Montero. Garrett Richards screams at the stadium for not voting for him, then whonks Montero out of the park. On the way back, Montero hits the scoreboard, and the entire stadium explodes. It then inexplicably unexplodes. Yadier Molina leaves for his house, and gets hit by a bus. Derek Jeter announces that he will not retire after 2014 between the sixth and seventh innings, and the entire country cheers. When he announces he's signing with the Yankees, the entire state of Massachusetts and a certain Owen boos. In the seventh, the Yankees take over the AL dugout and spank Robinson Cano because he left them in the ABSOLUTE WORST WAY POSSIBLE. Curtis Granderson eats a philly cheesesteak from Philadelphia in the eighth, and gets spanked around the world. Finally in the ninth inning, everyone spontaneously falls asleep, and the game ends with the AL winning 0-0 on penalty kicks. And by penalty kicks, I mean they kicked Yasiel Puig around the world again. The game is subsequeltly discounted because everyone forgot how to score the game, and the game starts all over again the following week. So the game starts again in the first inning with the AL batting first at Chase Field. Derek Jeter hits a triple. Mike Trout steps up to the plate, and the umpire says, "You know what? Let the kid take first." A brawl ensues, and Yoenis Cespedes, Adam Wainwright, Clayton Kershaw, and Miguel Cabrera sneak out to have soda. The umpires catch them, and they get ejected, and they get punched in the face again, and the entire world tackles the umpire. Someone named Klahalaladinklamondoriastinky Barunkadoomcheriodoodlaminchinko spanks him with a flyswatter. In the second inning, Felix Hernandez unbreaks his bones. The game continues in the second inning, and Jeff Samardzija screams at the Cubs and the A's for moving him to the American League and making him ineligible to play. Dellin Betances pinches Robinson Cano, because he's stupid, and goes to pinch hit. He hits a single, and when Cano goes to charge the base, Betances spanks him with the bat for 15 minutes. Cano leaves the game with a broken everything. He walks off the field and J.D. Martinez eats him. Then Jose Abreu, Giancarlo Stanton, and Mike Trout start another Home Run Derby. Abreu kills them 12639-2-1. Stanton spanks Abreu with the bat, sending him straight towards Mike Trout, who leaves with a broken everything. Yasiel Puig starts the third inning with a single. Completely normal. Then Jonathon Lucroy, Salvador Perez, Russell Martin, and Chris Stewart all try to bat at the same time. Through a whole bunch of other messy stuff and a small amount of normal, the AL wins 19-17.52 If you made it here, you're probably dead from laughter. Category:Wackish News Category:Randomness